Fortress
Originally written 11/9/04
Typed: 3/19/05


Song: Fortress by Sister Hazel

It’s bitter –
It tastes a lot like winter.
And when will it release me?

Sam stopped short of her lab door, surveying the contents of her folder and wondering if she needed to even bring anything. What would it help? Could her research do anything as Daniel lay getting worse?

Dying.

She shivered as the word crept into her mind.

So heavy – how much more to bring down the levy
And kill me? Don’t kill me.

Tears spilled as she stood in the locker room, tracing the locker of her comrade, her teammate. The one person who could be up at 3 am and talk about politics and the human condition. He was her best friend, a man who was more in her heart.

And he was dead.

Never to call her for coffee, for a night of watching info-commercials, laughing at the ads.

I’ve been staying high
And I’ve been feeling sorry, for myself
And I’ve been resurrecting my,
My fortress to protect myself.

It was not easy for Sam to stay strong the hours after Daniel’s ascension. Everything was a reminder of him. Finally Sam decided to sit still in her lab, hoping to keep the pieces of her emotions together and not crumble. Especially in front of the other scientists.

Shattered –
Tiered, beaten, worn down and tattered and
Can you even hear me?

The Asgard were needing their help, so the went. A rescue mission, which Sam inwardly wanted to be rescued from herself. And when she told Osiris/Sara of Daniel’s death, she wished she could also be dead. Scream in hurt, anger and in need.

What do you expect out of me?
I’m being buried alive and screaming,
Can’t you see – oh can’t you see me?

Teal’c, Jack and Sam finally left after another successful mission, but the void only grew wider the further she drove from the SGC. It was not until she arrived at Daniel’s apartment that Sam realized what she was doing.

Desperately longing to just surround herself with his things, she fished out the key he had given her a few months ago. Stepping into the apartment that resembled a museum, Sam’s emotions crashed on her heart, making her stumble to the couch she had shared so many nights with Daniel talking about everything.

“Are you still even here?” she whispered.

I’ve been staying high,
And I’ve been feeling sorry, for myself.
And I’ve been resurrecting my,
My fortress to protect myself.

The various missions with the trial fourth man proved to be both amusing and hurtful. Every time they came back, the odd member asked Hammond not to be assigned with SG-1. They got hurt, were exhausted or merely did not fit in. Jack echoed Sam’s thoughts.

“They are interesting shoes, and I don’t know if anyone could appreciate them.”

Weary –
My hands slapped in cautious and
Leary of trying – oh but I’m trying.

Sam’s hands grabbed air as the miniature power cell slipped out of her hands. As it shattered and skid across the floor, Sam sank to the floor, knowing she had to salvage some working machine out of the mess.

“Shit.”

Knowing that she should quit, Sam merely gathered the pieces and placed them on the table. It was the second expensive project she had to redo.

How am I to figure it out?
All alone, I’ve been kicking around.
Without my home – I’m so lost, so lost.

Rounding the corner, Sam abruptly stopped as she saw Jonas peering at the same books Daniel had ravishingly looked through. How natural of her to come to his office, seeking solace. But now, now someone else was using his books, listening to his music, using his cups.

Turning back, Sam felt the deep pit grew as she hurried away. Without her friend, her other self, she was alone and so lost without Daniel.