[DOCTOR MAJOR BAILEY DeBARR,
Chief Medical Officer, Interior of USS Odyssey, USAF, Medical offices.]
DeBARR: I can't believe you
asked me on this conference call.
[Looks toward the computer
screen where COLONEL CAMERAON MITCHELL can be seen, smiling.]
MITCHELL: It's not a regular
conference call, Bay. And I had asked if you were free for a few
minutes, or hours. Look, just stay calm, and everything will be fine.
DeBARR: Stay calm. Right.
(Looks away exasperated.) Ok, patch him in.
[Screen flickers and the
screen shows two pictures, one of MITCHELL the other of Wormhole
X-treme's NEW GUY, a bagel and coffee in his hand. He is licking his
fingers.]
NEW GUY: Damn this jelly! It
gets everywhere! (Looks off screen.) Hey! Hey you! Lady with the
(Raises his sticky hands above his head and mocks patting his head.)
the thing on your head!
[Off camera voice: I'm from
crafts services. What do you want?]
NEW GUY: (Looks off screen.)
I want something that is not sticky! I want a plain bagel with
something sweet on it. But not sticky. Can you handle it? (Looks back
toward screen.) Sorry, they are a little slow… I'll be there in a
second. It's what I do.
[DeBARR and MITCHELL share a
look.]
DeBARR: Well while you wait
for a new… bagel, maybe we can get started?
NEW GUY: Uh, ya, sure. (Waves
a hand at screen, indicating to continue.) I can jump in and follow as
soon as I get (Looks off screen.) MY [BLEEP] BAGEL!!
MITCHELL: Right. Well it
seems, Bay, that the cast is wanting to bring on a doctor and wants to
have a real doctor consult them on what kind of things a doctor would
do. (Scratches his head.) You know, around the SGC. (Holds a hand out.)
And before you ask. I asked her and I am lucky I don't have a big
gaping hole in my side. I guess I should know not to infuriate the
little lady while she is taking my blood.
[DeBARR nods. NEW GUY has a
new bagel.]
NEW GUY: So what did I miss?
(Chews on bagel.)
MITCHELL: Just updating
Bailey on what this conference call is about.
NEW GUY: (Leans into the
camera, making his face bigger on his half of the screen) Your hot.
- - - -
[Some time later, DeBARR has
a binder out, NEW GUY has a pen and is writing on his arm the notes,
MITCHELL is throwing a ball of paper in the air.]
NEW GUY: So there would have
to be two medic teams standing by incase the blast doors don't hold.
(Narrows his eyes as he thinks.) What if the blast doors don't hold,
and the Jaffa mutants come swarming through the active gate and begin
to feed off the people in the embarkation room… (Waves a hand in front
of his face.) All that is patented, no using it.
MITCHELL: (Sarcastically.) I
will try my hardest to stay away from the idea.
DeBARR: I think in that case
(Clears throat.) there would be more then one medic team, your right.
Well, just to quickly recap,
I think who ever would play your doctor would have to be good with long
names of medications, be able to come across as if they were a real
doctor, make the audience think that if they were hurt, the character
could take care of them. I think adding a doctor would be very wise.
NEW GUY: Ya, well… maybe I
should have told you, the doc gets blasted to bits in the first few
seconds of the show – maybe even eaten by the mutant Jaffa's – and then
it's the rest of us doing a reflection/revenge/kill them all [BLEEP,
BLEEP] suckers away, save the world, get the girl and [BLEEP] if it's
not rated PG. So we don't ever get to see the doctor do any doctor like
things. (Looks off camera.) Well, gotta go, we have the battle in the
cargo ship and I have to align my chi.
[NEW GUY's screen goes dead.]
DeBARR: Oh no, Cam, that was
not a waste of my time. Why thanks, I feel like I am the most brilliant
person around. And no I had nothing else to do for (Checks watch.) the
past two hours.
MITCHELL: Be glad they are
not reading the script for the movie. If I have to cut my arm off so I
can get out of it, I think my team would be packing the infirmary. You
and Carolyn would be reattaching limbs
DeBARR: Well let's not go to
extremes.
[Over com: Doctor DeBarr, to
deck 24. Medic code 62. Doctor DeBarr, to deck 24.]
DeBARR: Well, real life
calls. One question though – do you think anyone will go and see the
movie?
MITCHELL: I think there are
die hard fans who will treat this like the Star War's movies – camped
out for weeks to say they were the first to get the tickets. I was
thinking of taking Mom if it is any good.
DeBARR: Well if they are
blowing the doctor up within the first few seconds, how bad could the
movie be?
MITCHELL: (Laughing.) Perhaps
they should stick to the Furlings then.
DeBARR: (Putting papers away
and slipping on lab coat.) Now there is a good idea. (Arches eyebrow.)
I can do that. Duty calls – over and out.
MITCHELL: (Mock salute.) 10-4.
[Screen fades to black as
DeBARR races out of the office. In slow motion, she grips her lab coat
and hikes it up her shoulder as it fluttering in back of her. Soon two
other aids follow behind her, as they disappear into the hall.]
[Black]
Counterstrike